Tuesday 24 December 2013

Merry Christmas my loves.

So I don't celebrate Christmas. I mean, not really. But i do enjoy receiving gifts. So this year my dad had the right idea. Money transferred into my account. Awesome. I can now afford more crack than usual. #festivities.
My mother however, thinks she knows what people need. She gave me one of those extra zoom mirrors. So now, I can see everything that's wrong with my face. Thanks mum. And god bless.

Monday 23 December 2013

Acid can be amazing...

So the other day, for research, I tried some drugs. The things I do for this blog... Anyway they were fantastic. Now I'm not staying that very one should try them at lest once in their lives... Except I am... So here is a list of some awesome drugs, and how you will/won't react to them.



Tuesday 10 December 2013

How to get girls to like you.


So none of my friends have ever asked me for Dating advice. From this I concluded that they already know everything. But then I took a look at their stupid game boy playing, Pokemon talking, final fantasy owning ways and decided- they don't know shit. 

So friends, here is an educational little tutorial for you, on how to get girls. 

1. Be your self motherfucker! 
Can't stress this enough. You can pretend to be a little more awesome at first to grab a girl's attention, but eventually she will figure out that all those Mean Girls references you keep making were googled. 

2. Be funny. 
Us girls love someone who can make us laugh. If its at you or at the hobo dying on the street, it doesn't matter. We like you more.

3. Be confident.
I know we're scary. With all our hair, makeup  and prettyness. But you have to understand that we want to be talked to. If we didn't, then we would wear a ponytail and clothes from Vinnies. Show confidence and we're intrigued.

4. Take pride in your appearance.
Now I'm not saying you have to look like brad Pitt... But... Well that would help. Think sexy guys that girls love, like Ryan Gosling (god knows why), Hugh Jackman (sexy wolverine) and Carrot Top (obviously).

5. Be nice but a little distant.
Girls like nice guys... But not too nice. Of you're too nice, you automatically get friend-zoned. So be all sexy and mysterious. We love that.

Hopefully that helped. And if you're gay.. Well just make eye contact. And if they make eye contact back, you're in! :) 



Tuesday 3 December 2013

Lesbian Time


So the other day a customer came up to me and asked me out. He was nice enough so I wanted to let him down easy. 

So I told him I wasn't interested because I was a lesbian. 
His reaction was extraordinary. 
"OMG!!" He said. "I am so sorry, gosh, I don't know how I didn't notice it, it's so obvious!" 

Wait, what? 

Should I be proud or should I stop wearing flanno and no make up to work?